Christmas Woes.

Christmas has come and gone...
But somehow, Christmas this year doesnt feel the same... in fact, it doesn't even feel like Christmas at all...

Including today, I have been in church for 7 days in a row already...

Band practices, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day service, Youth party... I'm like going nuts lah....

In fact, I'm starting to feel really overstretched and overworked... =/

But whatever the case, I'd really like to thank a few people...

1) My mum and dad for getting me a sleek Sony Walkman series NW mp3 player

2) Jeanette for getting me a totally cool Shonan-Ai book, with help from Mas!

3) Simon and Haryanto for getting me a huge, really expensive box of my favourite crunchy nougets!

4) Victor, my elder bro for getting me a jumper-jacket from Samuel and Kevin

5) Michelle for sending me haircut vouchers (I get what you mean)

6) David for my protein powder!! x)

7) Clara (tudi!) for making me a really nice cheesecake!

8) All the Agape Youth for all the really neat presents!

9) My didis, Josh and Terence for the.. umm.... thingie you all were trying to make... xP ok lah... its nice..

10) Thanks Dominic for being there for me... through this Christmas..


This year I got really little presents... Maybe its not such a good idea to put up that wishlist thing... i think it turns people off...


I was talking to my mum, and as usual, when I talk, my mind starts to filter and rearrange my sentances and I create a "chart" of events that has been happening...

and I realized something, it didnt struck me before...

There is a reason why I'm only a "synthesist" in the youth... I'm not in charge of events (*not even offered to), I'm not a worship leader, I'm not a youth leader, I'm not a cell group leader, I'm not even part of the agape youth "committee".

It struck me. hard.

Its not because I'm incompetent, because I've been in many many leadership postitions before and have an outstanding testimonial of achievements...
Its not because I'm a new Christian, c'mon, 19 years in one church?
Its not because I'm inexperienced with people, coz in fact, I can relate to many people much better then the youth leaders can...
Its not because I do not know how to be a WL, coz I've led congregations that are 10 times larger then the entire church put together....

There was actually no reason that I shouldnt have even a minor position to prod suggestion in the youth.
Me, an agape youth memeber for 7 years.

The reason is because. *drumroll*

tada.

I'm gay.



When it hit me, I actually said "what the fuck" out loud.

In fact, I feel used.

Really used.

Like mega, ultra, used.


Like, I've been serving the church for 10 years?.

Right. I'm serving God.

I forgot.

jeez. I really dont know what to say!


frankly, i feel like giving up everything and letting the band fend for themselves.

I doubt they can remember the time when there wasn't a synthesist around.

If they dont lose it, they know how to treasure it right?


right.

I think I'm going to disappear.

Like take a long break. maybe permernant.

I'm sick of being used, discriminated and overlooked.

I'm a synthesist.

I'm your only synthesist.

I'm your best synthesist.



i wonder. if I go, the ASH will disintegrate.

hurt? ow.

I'm sick of everything.